Noticiero 90 Minutos

link by Kim over at link really hit home with me when I read it over the weekend.  I felt sorry for Kim, left a comment and then went on with my day. 

And then it hit me.  Today, I get it.

One of the partners in my office found out about our year without shopping and came into my office to make fun of me today.  In a nutshell he said I was:

     (1)  a stupid liberal;

     (2)  too young to know any better;

     (3)  a hypocrite.

He waxed on about how when he was young, he lived on a commune, mixed his own peanut butter (what the fuck?), and wore "earth shoes."  But then, he had to grow up and live in the real world.  Someday I might like to join him.  I get it, at one point you had ideals and then you sold out for an Audi and alimony payments.  Fucking sellout. Then he called me an absolutist and judgmental. 

And you know what?  I might be all those things. 

The reason that we started compacting had nothing to do with the environment.  It had to do with money, plain and simple.  It just so happens that consuming less is also green.  We were given the opportunity to adopt a beautiful, four-year old girl from Pisingos and we had to say, "no" because of money.  And I will never be in that position again.  Ever.  I will never put our family in a position where we have to turn down a child because of money. 

Turning down a child because the child isn’t right for your family, or because your family isn’t ready for another child, or for whatever reason there might be is always hard.  But, turning down a child because of money is . . . just awful.  If we had turned down Daniela because we weren’t prepared to deal with her disability or because we weren’t ready for another child, I could walk away with some peace with that decision knowing at least that we had made the right decision for our family.  Money is just, just so stupid.  We could have prevented this.  If I had been more careful in the past we might not have had to say no.  If only. 

While attempting to quietly explain our reasons for compacting to the partner I suddenly and quite unexpectedly broke out into tears.  I don’t just mean quiet, soft tears of heartbreak.  I mean sloppy, wet, snot-dripping, body-racking, full-on crying tears of a grieving mother.  In a pathetic attempt to made up for his disgusting accusations, he said, "well, you know, you can’t save all of them.  You can’t make a difference to everyone." 

Maybe not.  But I could have made a difference to her. 

I may never forgive myself for putting our family in a position to turn Daniela’s referral down.  Perhaps our commitment to not shopping is my own veiled attempt at bargaining with God or whoever the fuck controls the universe to give me another chance.  Right now, I don’t know. 

What I do know is that right now, there is a little girl who will go to bed in dorm room.  Tomorrow, she will wake up and go to school.  And I wonder if anyone will ask her how her day at school was.  I wonder if someone will comb her hair before she goes to bed.  I wonder if anyone will notice how pretty she is and how perfect she smells.  And I wonder if someone will remember to give her two hugs and kisses before bedtime.  I wonder how long it will be before someone will mother her. 

If it means that I don’t own a new thing ever in my entire life, or if it means that we never shop again, I will never let this happen again. 

Ever. 

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link asked how our new "no shopping" life was going, so I thought it was about time to update on our ridiculous totally sane commitment to Compact for one year. 

Everything is going surprisingly well.  We’ve been not-shopping for nearly two months.  Thus far, the biggest issues have been Diet Coke, haircuts and TP.  Yeah, that’s right . . . toilet paper. 

When we first started not shopping, I naturally assumed that TP would be exempt, because I mean, come on, what else are you going to use?  Well, apparently, there are some hardcore Compacters out there who are going no-TP.  As in, NO TOILET PAPER.  They use the aptly titled "poo rags" for back end hygiene. 

I’m just not the kind of girl that can re-wash a poo rag.  However environmentally unsound my addiction to TP might be, I simply cannot go without disposable paper products for cleaning my derriere. 

My first home haircut went off with a few hitches, which my mother-in-law was able to remedy.  Honestly, I really miss the salon.  I miss my haircut lady, whatever her name is.  She’s dingy and spends way too much time talking about her Lothar of the Hill People boyfriend, but she gives damn good head. 

Last, but not least, I really miss Diet Coke.  There is a paralegal in my office that has a six-can-a day habit.  Her office is down the hall from mine and I can hear her crack a new one open about every hour or so.   Sometimes, right after I hear that sweet, crispy crack of a fresh can being opened, I walk by her office on the off-chance that I might catch a whiff of the bubbly effervescence.  I miss that tingly sensation when a few bubbles go up your nose on that first sip.  Oh, Diet Coke, how I miss thee. 

I’ve also learned that paralegals in our office are way overpaid, because she plays a lot of solitaire. 

Interestingly, I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last two months and I’ve learned a lot about my marriage.  Going cold turkey on shopping was exactly the re-direct that we both needed. 

Just a few months ago, I would justify our spending habits by saying, "I’m a working mom and I don’t have time to [make homemade gifts, can food, bake cookies, etc.]"  And I think society, in general, encourages the myth that spending money = saving time.  As link would say:  NOT TRUE.  Since compacting, I spend far more time with my kids and husband and all the things that I claimed I didn’t have time for have now become fun family things. 

When I think back to my favorite memories of my Grandmother, the things I remember are the things we’ve just started doing because of the Compact.  I remember standing on a chair and helping her cut noodles for homemade chicken noodle soup; cutting fresh dill from the garden for pickles; and use a cup to cut sugar cookies. 

My little man, Nicolas, loves Target as much as any red-blooded American.  Bless his little capitalistic heart.  What I want for him to remember about his childhood are the same things that I remember from my childhood and that doesn’t include learning that the best clearance buys are at the end caps at Target. 

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My friend (and occassional commenter), Tanya, gave birth to a 7 pound 4 oz. baby girl at 3:30 this morning! 

Tanya and her husband waited a long time for this baby girl and went through several cycles of treatment as well as some losses — she’s been through the minefield like the rest of us. Congratulations, Tanya! 

I don’t have any photos of the baby yet, so in the meantime, you will have to enjoy some photos of my babies:

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